It wasn't enough to violate my ice box. No, you had the audacity, the flamboyant spitefulness to dig through my entire pint of Loaded Cookie Dough ice cream and pick out every gooey bit of cookie dough. Everyone knows that the vanilla ice cream is just filler. Everyone knows Loaded Cookie Dough is for those people that fantasize about eating an entire tube of unbaked cookie, but lack either the guts or the uncouth nature to attempt such a thing, but you sir.
You are a different breed entirely. You would gladly inhale a log of cookie dough if it were mine. The hot fudge on this sundae? A poem:
"I'm sorry I ate all
of your cookie dough.
Yum yum yum yum yum."
I will eat everything you own.
I will destroy your lucky mug.
I will spit on your meat.
I will unwrap and rewrap your bananas.
I will poke holes in all your cans of soup.
I will crumble all of your Pop Tarts.
I will pour salt in all of your breakfast cereal.
I will unplug your refrigerator.
I will fucking end you
so help me God.
Sincerely,
Florence Herman
2.18.2009
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